Entry 19

So this week I'm sick.

Like as in the actual sick again, where I have the flu. I've been throwing up a lot and I really just sort of want to sleep.

Murdoch is a douche. I'm sick and he just keeps coming over and asking me about this stuff I don't want to talk about. Like he comes in and asks me "Have you ever wished death on anyone?"

Who even asks those sorts of things? Especially when the person you're talking to is leaning over a bucket and so sick she can barely sit up in bed.

Asshole. I don't wish death on people. It's not like that sort of thing is synonymous with schizophrenia. I always feel worse when he's around.

Peg and Miss Millman have been talking about talking me back up to the lake when I get better. Murdoch has been telling them that taking me out of my usual environment could make me explode or something, whatever, he's an idiot so I don't care what he thinks. Millman seem to think it might do my some good so I'm going to stick with the therapist who actually seems to know what she's talking about thank you.

Peg doesn't seem all that hyped about the idea and I assume that's because Murdoch has been poisoning the well. She says she doesn't know if being up there would do much good psychologically, but I think she agrees with Millman for the most part.

When you have a sickness like mine, everyone treats you like you're a loaded bomb. It gets pretty old. I'd really like to go back to the lake. I miss it. Might be fun to get away and stop having to be me for while. Although there's the chance that being me might ruin the whole thing, and I'll spazz out again. Break another window and get lost in my own head again.

I hate being me. I really do.

Entry 18

Hi.

So, yeah. I've been gone a while.

I guess all that stuff with Trent was gonna catch up with me sooner or later.

I suppose the best way to put it is that last week I had the worst episode of my life.

Now, let me clarify here, most of the time when I have an episode I tend to black out. Well, not really black out, but I lose focus. After I have an episode I usually have a hard time remembering it afterwards. It's all very fuzzy and Freudian reason, I just can never access it like other memories.

Except for this particular episode.

Oh no, I remembered everything. Every solitary detail.

And it just kept going, and going, and going...

I was sitting at the kitchen table and I was carving this dumb pumpkin Peg brought home for me from the store, and I just...I don't know.

All of a sudden it was like the floor and the kitchen and everything just melted away and I was knee deep in the bog and there was this thing like twenty feet away from me. It wasn't human whatever it was and the two of us just stared at each-other. I don't think I've ever been so scared, not ever. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I finally just started running and calling for help and it felt like I was running for days, and I never got anywhere. Just mud, and water, and trees, and the thing behind me and I knew it was reaching for me, and it was so damn real.

And then I woke up. I was lying in a hospital bed and Peg was there and God I can't even.

I've never once in my life been catatonic like that. According to the everyone else I just collapsed and froze up with my eyes open like I was having a night terror. I was like that for almost three days too. They've had me in the ward ever since. I just got home today.

I now have this other therapist...person, besides Millman who's been asking me questions and bugging me. His name is Mr. Murdoch, (And seriously Millman the guy is a creep. What is his job again? Stare at me in an uncomfortable manner?) Yeah...He's a piece of work. Don't know what he did to become a therapist, because not one thing about that guy makes me want to cozy up to him and talk about my feelings. 

Speaking of feelings it feels nice to be blogging again, feels familiar. Everything has been pretty weird since I snapped.

It's really scary, because I know that for a while there I was completely gone. It was like I was dead.

Well, looks like I'm not going to get to go to college any time soon, if at all.

It felt so real though, everything. I even knew the Bog it was the same one in the park just ten or so miles from my house.

I don't know Millman, and that's the thing, I'll never know. As far as I can tell I may still be catatonic and this is all in my head. Maybe it was always all in my head, and maybe somewhere Peg or my parents or someone is sitting with me while I'm wrapped up in a straight jacket in an asylum somewhere, and I'll never know. That's what scares me about this. I just don't know...